Please, I need your advice here. Should I text her this?

Well I'm not Australian but to mee it sounds kind of stiff, awkward and maybe...choppy... It does sound sweet and sincere but I don't think you need to go into a long list about why you like her... Just say something more like " I just wanted to tell you that you are beautiful and I love your personality. We have so much in common and I love being with you. I was wondering if maybe you want to be my girl friend." haha idk...but make it short...you don't need to tell her EVERYTHING you like about her...loosen up some and be confident. :) Good luck and God bless.